When I Thought I Couldn’t

This was written in one of my darker days when I thought I couldn’t tolerate another one. I’m sharing this for those who’ve felt the same. I want you to know, you are not alone.

We all struggle. Keep Moving Forward.

Today I lost sight of the bigger picture. I’ve forgotten who I am and what keeps me moving forward. I’m always in search of something, never really sure what I’m looking for but lately, giving up was the only option worth pursuing.

My heart used to break when reading about tragedies in the news but today, I am indifferent. I am as indifferent to the world in this moment as I was on my worst day; the day my brother died. If I can be honest, I don’t feel I care anymore.

Nothing matters…the world will burn anyway and people will continue suffering until humans are extinct.

Today I grew tired of the human condition.

I’m exhausted from hearing about it and seeing it⁠—the ugliness we’re capable of. It’s sickening. And you can interpret that however you want, but my faith in mankind is non-existent. I want to shout at all of you from my window, “Screw you!!! You’re on your own!!!”

And I just want out. I want away from all of it. All of you.

It’s partly because I feel apart from you; like I don’t belong. I don’t recognize myself in you. You only reflect the darkness within me. I can no longer care for you because I know you don’t care about me. We’re both so self-absorbed it’s astonishing we were ever able to work together.

And it’s been one of those days where I can’t see the good in you anymore. From the person tailing my bumper too closely or the one who had to cut me off instead of waiting two seconds for multiple clear lanes behind me. It’s the woman who cursed at me in her car when I asked her (nicely, I swear) to slow down in the parking lot, or the guy who bumped into me without apologizing or acknowledging my existence and all the people who refuse to pick up their dog’s shit—I know we’re all going through life but knowing how much we all struggle should allow us to treat each other with mutual respect. It’s not much to ask but it seems I’m asking for the moon.

Every day is like this. Filled with small, avoidable negative encounters with other humans. Top it off with real problems and you get my powerful desire to distance myself from people. The returns don’t feel worth the cost.

The Future Doesn’t Matter to me Today.

As of writing this, I’m thirty-one years old and I’ve yet to see my dreams come true. Sure I’ve accomplished some things but nothing I felt I didn’t have to. My personal dreams, dreams for those I care about and dreams for humanity—the big ones—have not been met. Only disappointment and failure has been found. And with that, grief, self-doubt and an unshakable desire to throw in the towel are what’s left.

Today I asked, “Why not just give up? Should I lower my expectations so I’m not vulnerable to disappointment and heartache? Why pursue anything when failure continuously crushes my spirit? Why push forward for something that likely won’t ever come?”

A few days ago I was rear-ended by a truck. A few weeks ago I was in lock-down for a pandemic. Today there’s curfew. Friends and family are suffering. I have to work everyday; I hate being reminded of how little control I actually have over my life. It reminds me of how insignificant I am to the universe and to god, if it even exists.

Most days, I felt something nudging me to keep going. I don’t know what it was but it got me out of bed each morning, and it drove my optimism. Today, the thing has taken the day off because I have no desire to do anything but nurse the numbness in my soul.

I don’t care about tomorrow because tomorrow doesn’t matter.

How I Feel Today…And Most Days

Better! I felt so weak, so tired, so frustrated and sad that day but I still got out of bed. I was able to put these words on paper, somehow finding reasons to push onward through the day, hoping to reach someone who has felt the same; tell them they’re not alone.

There’s always time to realize a dream. One bad day, or several, are merely speed bumps and opportunities for growth. Our worst days prepare us for our best and facing failure with patience and a desire to improve is the only way dreams become actualized. I never want to give up because I’m convinced a life worth living is one spent working toward a better self and a better world. I think I’d have long-term regret and suffering if I said ‘what if” instead of ‘I did my best.’

In my heart, I know there’s good in everyone. On days like the one described above, it’s nearly impossible to find it, being so caught up in negativity. The media and mostly isolated incidents between me and other assholes paint negative pictures about all types of people and scenarios, but they don’t reflect the good. Most interactions I have are positive or at the very least, normal and non-confrontational. The problem is that on bad days I take those encounters for granted and look for the person doing the wrong thing. Just like the media, my focus is on uncommon occurrences. I’m ashamed to admit how much it sways my perceptions in my darker moments.

In reality, I’m tired of how the media (all platforms) perpetuates evil and how it alters my perceptions of people as a whole. It (and traffic) has blinded me to the good that happens every day.

In Conclusion…

Some people lose that part of themselves completely and as we’ve seen, there may be no coming back from that state-of-mind. So if you feel or have felt like I have, please do all you can to listen to whatever it is moving you forward, even if there’s not an explanation as to why. ‘Why‘ will reveal itself in time. I believe in that from the bottom of my heart. Keep moving forward so we can find out!

And it may be a faint voice but it’s there. And you may not know why you’re getting through these days when all your strength and efforts feel for naught, trust in that part of you to carry you to better days.

Today may be the hardest day of your life but that means tomorrow won’t be!

Before You Go!

Have you felt this way before? You’re not alone. Please reach out to someone if you ever need help (Click here for the Depression Hotline or here for Suicide Prevention Hotline) . You can contact me directly as well!

My Book, Through the Devil’s Eyes, is Available Now on Amazon!

‘You’ve Heard God’s Side of the Story, Time to Hear Mine!

Synopsis: God vs. Devil, Good vs. Evil—Who Will Win the Battle for the Souls of Mankind?

Header Image By: wmant from Pixabay

Post a Comment?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.