Some Days…

Some days it takes all my strength to get out of bed in the morning. What little motivation and courage I have left is often not enough to see me through the rest of the day, making it even harder to rise again on the next. Tiredness becomes a mindset, a state of being that drives me to indifference and gradually evolves into numbed exhaustion, traveling down life’s road as an uncaring zombie.

Some days, I don’t know what it means to be alive. This is life, or so I think it is, but am I really living? Is this all life has to offer or is there something missing?

Some days I feel unimportant and lost, searching for my sense of purpose and my place in a world that seems to have run out of room for people like me. My job, my opinion, and so many other aspects of this life mean little to almost nothing…at least, that’s how it feels at times.

Some days I am confused. On these days I can’t discern what is real or fake, what is fact or fiction, what really matters and what doesn’t. I am on a quest for understanding and truth, yet, the more I uncover the less I understand, exposing what I “know” to be obsolete, irrelevant, or ignorant. Finding out more becomes a chore instead of a desire.

Some days my car stalls and my tires spin in the mud, letting the past catch up with me. I obsess over things I cannot change: the decisions I’ve made or didn’t make, the people I’ve neglected, wronged or hurt, and the endless list of mistakes. Regret is the mud that keeps me from moving forward.

Some days, it feels as though I have no control; I am at the whim of a universe that is more indifferent than myself at the end of the work-week.

Some days, I am broken. Pieces of me lay scattered across the floor looking for the glue that’ll put me back together. What it is made of I cannot say…

Some days, I am just waiting for someday–the day when I know life can be all I want it to be. Some days, I’m afraid I’ll never get there.

Most Days, I am aware the state of mind listed above is temporary. Most days I fight, to not just wait for someday but to make it this day. And when my strength and willingness are nearly depleted, I find them both in the knowledge that I am not alone in this. We are all fighting, one battle after the other, getting our tires out of the mud and putting our pieces back together as we go–many of us having to countless times, but we will get up, define what it means to be alive, and tell the universe it should never count us out.

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